A Wife After God's Own Heart: Chapter 4

Chapter 4 : Enjoying Intimacy

I usually don't have much problems in this area, so I won't delve into it much deeply. And I wish the book also tackled issues at length, but with only 219 pages it leaves much to be discussed. So I plan to buy one marriage book a month and review it here in my blog. 

Anyways, in the Philippines, sex is not usually something couples talk about in groups except in the locker room or in green jokes. Our marriage was even a result of unexpected pregnancy, but God had honored our vows and kept us together til now. So I guess the challenge here is:

1. Schedule sex. We both work in an almost graveyard shift (think 2am) so it's quite difficult to have enough sleep, time and energy to work it out on our schedule. Of course it's been neglected lately, but it's something I think we should prioritize this year.
2. Talk about sex with your husband. 
3. Take time to prepare for sex.
4. Try to go to bed at the same time.
5. Tackle the excuse of being too tired.
6. Take care of yourself.
7. Take a short trip together.

All "little things" from 1 to 6 more or less goes together, and a little talk and scheduling  will be in order pretty soon. I hope to push through with our Retrouvaille session at the end of this month, which is for troubled marriages. 

But so far, so good. Yesterday when my husband went home I prepared a meal (even though I just got home myself) and let him tell me about his day. I'm glad he vented out to me about his work problems. I feel he is slowly warming up and relaxed when he's with me. Any improvement is better than none, right? And I like myself myself better this way too. So here's to hoping this year is a little better for us wives as we try to discern how God wants us to be better at home.

Saving A Dead Marriage

Should you still save your marriage? 

There are many countless reasons wives think it's not worth staying in the marriage anymore. Infidelity is one big reason. Others may cite unmet needs, husband works too much, he treats me like a househelp help, we have no respect for each other. Of course those are valid concerns. 

But the turning point is, would you still decide to try to save what seems to be a lifeless and broken marriage and say this is worth one more chance? Is it worth it?  

Honestly I've been in that situation, where it's just easier to rid yourself of all responsibility and throw in the towel. After all, he doesn't change. He doesn't seem to be sorry for what he's done. He doesn't put in as uch work on this relationship as I do. Why should I be a martyr and carry all the work in this marriage?

If you have watched Fireproof, a movie that portrays a husband trying to win the heart of his wife again after she intends to file for divorce, you know the message I'm trying to get across. The movie may sound cheesy to some, and maybe naive in some parts. But the point is this: That the marriage is a perfect symbol of God's love for us at the cross. We try to spurn his efforts and we reject him.But he chases us unceasingly. He loves us that much.

We were dead and hopeless ourselves. As sinners, we were sentenced to a life apart from God, and to be punished for our sins. What if God gave up on his 16th attempt to win us over and says, No, you've done enough wrong. You're a lost cause. Then where would we be? But thankfully, that will never be the case. God pursues us all the time, he looks past what we were and stakes his life on what we can become.

The same thing goes with my husband. I feel so humbled that God is gracious with me and my past, that I can't help but forgive, and forgive and forgive again. Who are we to say that we cannot forgive our spouses? If I would have to work on my marriage for 39 years for us to have a better marriage, I would do it without regret. Because that is the kind of love God wants me to have - without conditions. Nothing like, "If you do this, then I will change. If you're like that then I'll be like this." I married this man for life, and I will honor God with my promise until I face Him again one day, and I hope I hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Romans 6:11

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 2:1

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins.

Colossians 2:13

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins.

A Wife After God's Own Heart: Chapter 3

I've been taking my time before proceeding writing about the next chapter because I really want to digest the first 2 things that really matter in marriage: Your heart with God and your communication with your spouse. So I focused on applying at least 2 small things from each chapter, that is to read at least a chapter of my Bible everyday, and to pray for my husband going to work, at lunch, and on the way home. It was a struggle at first because I was used to worrying, but I quickly learned to transition to lift my thoughts and concerns to the Lord. And yesterday going home I felt a sort of peace. I just felt really calm and serene, something I haven't experienced in a while. 

And of course I also practiced keeping my mouth shut, speaking graciously and appreciating things he does, like cooking for us again yesterday. It really didn't much effort to show respect for your husband, but it took a lot of effort to really be quiet and listen to him first before I tell him about my day. But slowly, I see some small changes. Positive reactions. So, I'm going to keep this up.

Chapter 3: Learning to Communicate

As a wife, our words should be ...sweet...soft....suitable...scant....slow.

I don't want to sound like a constant dripping of water at home, which is the result of a contentious wife.

So I looked up Merriam to see what contentious means:

: likely to cause disagreement or argument 

: exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and dispute.

Uh oh. Seems like a major overhaul is in order. So I would be practicing the art of silence. Since it says in

Proverbs 10:19 Sin is not ended by multiplying words but the prudent hold their tongues.

It seems so sad that I'm a speech communication major but I fail so drastically in communicating with my spouse. They certainly teach you what to say in schools, but not what NOT to say. 

The author suggested to Take it to the Lord in prayer like what Hannah did. No matter what I'm bitterness or trials I am going through, I want God to know everything. Actually, that's why David is also called A Man after God's own heart, because he was also so close and personal with the Lord that he bared all his emotions to God. 

The second suggestion is to Make a decision to "cut it out". Cut out the wrong, unproductive, destructive and negative thoughts and replace with noble ones. This is so in line with my new life verse. So whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

This new year, a lot of people may have vowed to make changes and resolutions. What is reality is that change doesn't happen when the clock strikes 12, it doesn't happen to you. It happens over a long period of time, of deciding to adjust and readjust, commit and recommit. I admit I myself find it hard to stick to something. I'm a fan of starting out strong but fail to see it through. I hope with the positive effects I am seeing with the relationship with my husband I can be inspired to continue and inspire others as well. 

I hope I get to review one book about marriage as well each month this year, along with my other goals for 2013. And with that I pray that my blog would light a hope for women who want to save their marriage, or who thought it was already dead. I thought mine was, but in between the ups and down and going through this journey is actually worth saving.

 

A Wife After God's Own Heart: Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Review of A Wife After God's Own Heart: Working as A Team

Ecclesiastes 4:9 

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor

This chapter goes back to the basics of marriage. What does the Bible say about marriage and the roles of a husband and wife?

The author highlights these verses:

1. The husband is to lead in his marriage and family.
Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

2. A husband is to work and to provide for his family
Genesis 3:19
By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.

3 A husband is to love his wife.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Ephesians 5:28
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
4. A wife is to help her husband.
Genesis 2:18
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
5. A wife is to submit to her husband.
Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

6. A wife is to respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

7. A wife is to love her husband.
Titus 2:4
Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children.

Here are my takeaways for this chapter:

...These wives may assume a "when...then" attitude. In their hearts, they say, "When he does this or that, then I'll do this or that." They postpone obedience to their roles as wives and make it conditional to that of their husbands'.

W - warm up his life with your love

I - improve his life as a helper

F - follow his leadership with a willing heart

E - esteem him highly with utmost respect

Out of the four areas, I think I should work on building and earning respect from my husband. Recently I've failed in this area when invading his privacy or doubting his love for me.Sometimes I decide on things regarding our son without consulting him first. No matter what the excuse, I should let him lead me and work together as a team. Also, when he acts disrespectful or harsh to me, I feel like acting the same way as well. I can clearly control my reaction even though it's soooo hard. Instead of thinking of his negative traits, I should look and appreciate his good ones.

What if I'm married to a man who is not a Christian?

Your assignment from God is to love, follow, assist, and minister to your non-Christian husband while living in a Christlike manner before his eyes.

Little Things:

1. Thank your husband for living out his roles.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. And he's actually the one who will do the cooking for us since I have to go to work early on New Year's Eve. (Sigh) Can't help it in the call center industry. But I really want to show him how thankful I am for his willingness to cook, even though that should be a wife's job! I mean, he knows I can't cook anything more grand than spaghetti and macaroni, but small tokens like that really makes me melt.

2. Ask your husband how you can help.

Of course, I won't just stand by without offering my help, and not just on this occasion. As a working wife, it really is a challenge to even offer your time and energy when you're so swamped with everything else already - house chores, my son's studies, church, groceries. But I have to make sure I don't neglect my priority, which is to honor and help my husband.

3. Show greater respect for your husband. Amen.That's number one on my agenda this year. That includes consulting him with every decision, big or small. And resisting the urge to even look at his stuff. And just shutting my mouth even when he says hurtful things.

I love the tips this Christian blogger gave on how to respect your husband. See article here.

4. Think of a way the two of you can have fun this week. I make sure we have a date every day on his rest day. So that one's set for this coming Wednesday.

5. Pray to follow God's plan for a wife.

6. Seek out another woman as a mentor.

I'm glad I have many Christian friends I can go to as a mentor. They were there for me during the difficult times during the crisis on our marriage (see My Story). But the important thing is, they don't judge, criticize you or tell you to give up on their marriage. These days the popular advice is to give up when you're no longer happy, when it's not working anymore, or when you just can't take it anymore. I wonder how many marriages would last with that thinking.

So anyway, I should drop by one their houses soon, so I can greet them a Happy New Year as well.

So far, I'm happy I picked up this book. I see it as a divine intervention and gift from God. I'm excited to see God's work in the upcoming year!

A Wife After God's Own Heart

I was supposed to pick up a different book by Darlene Sala today but it was not in stock, but this one caught my eye immediately. A Wife After God's Own Heart (12 Things that Really Matter in Marriage) by Elizabeth George was like an answer to prayer that I badly needed at this time.

So I thought I would make a review for each chapter and to share my own experience in applying the principles I learn from it.

Chapter 1 : Growing in the Lord

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

This is the key verse for this chapter in which the author shared that we have to put first things first. When we seek God first in our lives, everything else falls into place. Ouch for me, I needed to hear that.


So how do we know that we are growing in our faith and we are seeking his kingdom and righteousness? 

The author outlines 3 steps:

1 - Discover through reading the Bible what God wants us to do and how he wants us to lead our lives.
2 - Discern the meaning and implications of what you are reading in His Word
3 - Do what you have learned, discovered and discerned

And the best thing about it is that the end result is "a gentle and quiet spirit" and we will be able to bring honor to God through our lives.


I was excited about the part where it says it will also change your relationship with your husband. I almost laughed when I read "He will be more relaxed...instead of waiting for the next blow-up or attack." I definitely need more patience and grace in this relationship. I feel sometimes that there's a time bomb just waiting to explode sometimes. I don't handle outbursts quite well, unfortunately. when I feel something so strongly I HAD to say it. So, let's see how that changes for me.

What I love about this book is at the end of each chapter are "little things" that you can do to apply what you've learned. 

"Little Things"

• Plan to read the Bible everyday. Even a chapter a day would do. Sigh, I even have a reading plan on my ipod but unfortunately I wasn't so consistent with that. But this seems more attainable. 
• Pray for your husband 3x a day. Just like eating and brushing your teeth, it has to be part of your habit. I can't wait already. 
• Plan to go to church this week. Well, of course I go to church every week. A while ago one of my close friends asked if we could actually go with her to church at VCF in Festival Alabang since she felt it would help if she went with friends. I've only been there once since we actually go to Church of God in Imus or Las Piñas, but I feel this is a good move to go with my girlfriends, since I couldn't persuade my husband most of the time to go with me.
• Sign up for a Bible class or Bible study. That should be available in the VCF activities, I'm sure. We'll check it out once we go there.
• Purchase or borrow a Christian book on any topic. I have a loooong wish list already of books I wanna buy in Amazon. You can take a look here at my Amazon wishlist.
• Write a letter of commitment to God. Make a decision to grow into the woman or wife God wants you to be - and that is a woman after God's own heart. Though asking for a great marriage may be farfetched right now, I am determined to make that step closer to God. 

My letter of commitment:

I commit to start the year right with You, and to do things right starting with myself. I know it's not my marriage You want to change, but myself. You want me to go back to my first love, to the fire I once had as a youth. I am determined to read Your Word everyday and start praying more than worrying. Change me and give me a new heart, and I will choose to live each day for You. 

Devotions | Proverbs 31 Ministries

Devotions | Proverbs 31 Ministries

I'd like to share this devotion since I was encouraged just when I needed it most. I couldn't agree more with the author that it's easier to choose the path that seems most convenient at the moment. It's harder to work through the kinks and sit down and really figure out the problem. 

Enjoy reading!

My Life Verse

Contrary to what I said to my previous post, I will not let my Dear John go. Hay....That's what makes marriage so hard. One minute you're so sure of what you think you want, but you find out you can still hang in there for another chance. Anyway one of the things I really want to change next year is my outlook. I can't always doubt my husband or be suspicious all the time. I'm tired of being in detective mode, anyway. So instead of worrying about him, I will focus on how I can be a better wife and meditate on my new life verse:

Philippians 4:6-9

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

So no matter what circumstance I'm in, I'm not going to worry. No matter who my enemy is, I won't take revenge. I will focus on whatever is going to have a positive result. Later I'm going to have to make concrete plans on how I can be a better wife and person overall. Being thankful instead of bitter also helps to change my thinking. 

One thing's for sure, though. I won't give up that easily on this marriage.